Eating tips for my younger pals


I am almost 18 months now, and I’ve seen things. I’ve been through the whole weaning lark and am now very much on three adult meals a day. Given that it’s well over a year since my first spoonful of baby rice, I thought I’d put together some eating tips for my more youthful friends, guaranteed to help you lead a happy and healthy life.

  • MA-MAs and Dadadas think they are very clever by chopping up different foods on a spoon in the hope that we won’t notice. What they don’t know is that we have the wonderful ability to spit out whatever we don’t like and retain what we do.
  • It can be tough in those months when we have very strong thoughts but lack the linguistic ability to express ourselves. However, I have a very clear way of letting everyone know I’m no longer hungry: rip off your bib and sweep your little mitt across your tray so that any remaining food flies into the floor. Simples.
  • MA-MA has a weird fixation with only eating food if it comes on a plate. What about all that food I find on the floor? If you see something smeared on the carpet that looks nice, scoop it up and enjoy.
  • Don’t limit yourself to food and drink that’s prepared for human consumption. When you’re at the park feeding the ducks, why should they get all the yummy bread? Equally, if you’re thirsty and you’re visiting a friend who has a cat and you spot their little milk bowl, crawl over and have a sip. Then, when your MA-MA and Dadadada scream in horror and attack your mouth with one of those gross antiseptic wipes, shriek furiously.
  • Eating on the move is massively underrated in the grown-up world. While I’m in my pram, if I’m feeling peckish I simply raise my little hand up, and if some kind of tasty morsel doesn’t appear within ten seconds, I commence whining.
  • It is essential that you establish the difference between your various caregivers, and what you can get out of them. For example, MA-MA has an iron will and if I don’t like something she cooks she’d let me starve rather than offer me an alternative. Her MA-MA, the Feeder, on the other hand, will prepare a veritable tasting menu and allow me, indeed encourage me, to have a mouthful of each dish before dismissing it.
  • MA-MA recently read that in order to lose weight you need to walk 10,000 steps a day. She bought a very overpriced rubber bracelet that apparently counts her steps, and as far as I can tell she spends 8 hours a day sitting in front of her computer, and then every evening she goes off running till her bracelet vibrates. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous? Even more ridiculous is Dadada who spends £90/month on a gym he goes to once a fortnight – that’s a grand each year he could be saving, those fancy school fees aren’t going to pay for themselves! Unless I’m sleeping or eat, I run around all day and clock up well in excess of 10,000 steps. Constant moving is key to our wellbeing!

I’m currently working on my next round of top tips for finding a truly baby friendly restaurant – watch this space!


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